DON'T WAIT FOR A SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE PARTNER

 

"I don't like how he makes me feel when he touches me."

I'm going to tell her, I'm going to tell her, I chant it like a poem as I get off my bed, eyes red and sore from crying, hair disheveled, and on shaky feet, I head for my aunt's door. 

As I made a fist to knock, the door was thrown open “ I have been expecting you” aunty Ohum said. “I heard you sobbing last night, I was wondering if I had to come and pry the information from you” she softly chided as she led me to her bed. She gave me a few minutes to collect myself and asked “what is it Oluchi?” With all the energy and resolve of a cornered rat trying to escape death I blurted out “ I don't like how he makes me feel when he touches me. I don't feel anything when he's buried deep inside me. When he's close to me, I don't want his skin to rub against mine. When he touches me, I recoil in disgust, and I know my actions frustrate and confuse him. I can see the unasked questions on his face”. The words spilled from my mouth like an uncontrollable smoke looking for an opening to escape. 

The room was quiet after my long tirade and I looked up at aunty Ohum, she had the biggest smile I had ever seen on her face. If she smiled any further, I believed her cheeks might burst. “He does not abuse you, physically or verbally, takes care of you, listens to and provides for you, he's a hard worker, and most importantly he's a believer.

She held my hands in hers and said “I love you Oluchi, ever since the day my sister handed you over to me on her sickbed and I'll never deceive you”. He has checked out all the good and important boxes by any standards, you're feeling like this because young people these days watch a lot of ungodly movies and believe real life will be that way. “Don't worry nne m” you'll grow to feel all those things for him once you get married.

Are you sure aunty, I have been with him for 3yrs? I'm sure, the Lord will yoke your bodies once your union is ordained in his presence.

I looked at my aunt, in her long flowing house dress and all doubt left my mind. As I left her room, I made a mental note to get rid of all the movies, Harlequin books, Mills and Boon books I have been consuming. Aunty Ohum was right, they have corrupted me. And one more thing, I'll stop speaking with Zaza, she was the one who put these ungodly thoughts in my head.

Zaza's Face

SOCIAL MEDIA AND SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY

Social media has its bad days and reputation, but one good thing it has successfully done is give room to discourse that normally wouldn't be addressed. And this particular topic of sexual compatibility has been brought up too many times with no side ever emerging the winner. It's interesting to note that both sides have very salient points all addressing why they're for it and against it. 

One audacious tweet gave rise to the discourse all over again. 

DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY ARGUMENTS

Sexual compatibility can grow/decline: some believe that some factors influence the growth of sexual compatibility and other factors can lead to its decline. Factors such as innate qualities like kindness, respect, ability to provide, cater to the home, intelligence, sense of humour, hygiene, etc. can all lead to an increase in sexual compatibility between couples who didn't feel that way earlier. And also some other factors such as the loss of a child, loss of material things, accidents that led to deformation, and unresolved disputes can lead to a decline in sexual compatibility.

So in essence, for this group, why wait or use sexual compatibility as a metric in finding a partner.

We should all marry as virgins: “If you have never had sex, you will have nothing to compare the first sex with”. This is the bedrock of this group's argument. Choose celibacy and the first sex you'll have will be the best. After all, comparison is a thief of joy. So please and please, don't disturb them with all these woke opinions of sexual compatibility when you can close your legs.

Sexual compatibility our ass. 

The disingenuous thing about this particular advice is that it is geared toward women.

Sexual commitment is the goal: They believe that sexual commitment is more important than sexual compatibility. Sexual commitment is the decision of your significant other choosing to remain faithful to you regardless of other options and temptations they'll face outside. So what is the need of having a partner that gets you wet with a mere look if they don't stay faithful to you?

Orgasm Gap:  There's a huge orgasm gap between men and women. A viral video where men were unable to locate the clitoris circulated online and lots of dialogue were created. So this group thinks being with a man who can not even locate the clitoris even if it slaps him in the face is a total waste of everyone's time. They believe that if you're going to have sex, at least do it with someone who knows how to touch your body, relaxes you, and pleasures you. If not, you only become a statistic in the ever-growing orgasm gap.

We love orgasm over here

THE CHURCH AND SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY

There has been an influx of content creators pastors who have branded themselves as marriage counselors, marriage therapists, and as a fountain of all things marital. 

Recently, all their teachings are solely geared toward a specific audience. One could say it's a welcome shift from all the prosperity gospel being disseminated. 

Pastor Kingsley and his wife Mildred Okonkwo are the leading troops of the matrimonial gospel of the new age. There are hundreds of videos, and books, by the couple all geared toward helping people navigate the murky waters of relationships and excelling in marriage.

The one thing evident in all these religious teachings is that every message and advice is solely from a personal point of view. Things like cultural differences, level of exposure, age barrier, gender bias, priorities, economic differences and even indifference to matrimonial rites are not considered or even highlighted. The teachings are mostly geared towards a certain man and woman with certain lifestyle choices and that's harmful to the other congregants and online consumers who don't fall into that lifestyle. 

SUMMARY 

"Don't mind her, she's looking for somebody to kill in bed, that's why she's not married yet. She has gone to sleep with all the men in town and now her lady bits have no sensation there anymore and is looser than a canyon, she's now saying she's looking for sexual compatibility."

Let me catch you first

Whether you subscribe to the school of thought that believes sexual compatibility is inconsequential in the grand scheme of the union called marriage or you believe that sexual compatibility is the best thing since sliced bread, you have to know whatever decision you make you have to live with. Most importantly, question why you're choosing to make that decision. Are you choosing to be with a man you can't endure to be next to you let alone share a bed with because sexual compatibility isn't something you care for or is it because you don't want to deal with people's questions and ultimately being shamed? Ask yourself these questions. For you to survive as a woman, you must live shamelessly.

There's an abundance of shame geared toward women, their needs, and their desires. No matter the life or decision you choose, there are always opinions willing to shame you into supposed correctness. And all these opinions are wrapped in faux morality. 

Once as a woman you understand that people will throw well-decorated and filled to the brim shame parties, you'll become very selective of the parties you attend I.e. opinions that you let get to you and those you internalize, and those you shake off.

Do away with the shame attached to living life as a woman. Choose yourself over and over again. Give yourself room to fail and learn from your failures. As a woman, you're indestructible when you live your life intentionally shamelessly. This is the only way to escape being entrapped in the unending dance and dictation of what “will people say”. 

Be honest with yourself about what matters to you as a human being, stand by those decisions, and live your life.

At the end of it all, we're authors of our fate. Every decision and indecision we make every single day cost us. For those that believe in an afterlife, you'll answer for everything you did here on earth, not what people said you did or how people treated you. No, you'll answer for your own decisions, and actions, all alone.

If you don't believe in the afterlife, remember that you're alone at the very end. So choose wisely, don't live vicariously, and may fate be kind to us all.