WILL YOU BE MY LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND?

 "After all I have done for him, he'll just waste my time like this?"

Hmmmmmmmm!! This rhetorical question which is often asked in the absence of the accused man and spoken loudly before friends or to oneself amidst a flood of tears has been a literal thorn in the dating community in Nigeria.

Those who believe that women shouldn't build with any man and just position themselves well for enjoyment. To those, who believe all women do in most cases that result in the above statement is “open leg” and then later claim they performed miracles by building the man

The women who are actual sole providers in their marital homes and relationships are looking at both groups with utter disgust and a sarcastic laugh and a potent headshake as they go about their business.

Give them cold Zobo. Rubbish 

All relationship situations are different. Couple behaviours, economic opportunities, age factors, personal security, religious leaning, children, etc. all contribute significantly to altering the relationship status quo and dynamics. No one group has the right answer nor do they have a complete direction and guidance on how to navigate the perilous tides called relationships. 

LONGEVITY DOES NOT EQUATE TO SUCCESS.

“Haaaaa!!Daniel has left me. Me, Ifeoma.”

Her legs flapping together in rapid succession like a chicken being led to its slaughter, tears streaming down her face and her hands twirling in no defined direction, sitting on the floor she beat her chest as she repeated the words, “He left me after 5years.” 

“Bu..but you guys have not been at peace in the last 3years of that 5years.” Her friend Titi commented, she had grown weary of the constant self berating and incessant wailing but didn’t want to come off as a bad friend. “What do you mean by not at peace Titi, every relationship has its down moments?”

But the last 3years of your relationship with Daniel wasn’t a down moment Ify, she said softly. It has been a constant circus with top notch performances by both of you. Eventually, the performances were done by you. He had moved on from you while you held on. And it pains me to say this, but he did you a great favour because marriage to him would have been a lot worse. And also, if you wanted to marry him, why didn't you ask him?...to be continued. 

The success of most relationships is measured by whether it led to marriage. And the success of a marriage is measured by how long the union is. So it doesn’t matter if the road to that longevity was riddled with domestic violence, unsatisfactory sex, cheating, miscommunication, and many other factors that cause couples to grow apart. Mama and Papa are celebrating 50years of marriage but the only words exchanged between them were “Ifeanyi’s school fees…” which was 20years ago. But who cares, as long as they remain together and let the numbers accumulate. After all, without the numbers, there will be no golden jubilee.

All of these things doesn’t matter, as long as they put up a united front and people can tick off the number of years of them being together and cite them as exemplary couples worthy of emulation. Mission accomplished.

The effect of this is that you hold onto relationships that are way past their dissolution. And regardless of how satisfied and happy you were in the relationship, if it doesn’t lead to marriage you regard it as a failure and an absolute waste of your precious time. You could have 2years of bliss with someone, the moment it crashes, you try to erase every memory of that relationship not because it hurts you to remember the details but you can’t imagine thinking and having a silent smile about a relationship that didn’t lead to marriage. 

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

“Tufiakwa”

The tears were no longer rolling, shoulders squared and erect. Pride was back in her eyes and stance. Her eyes sharp like an eagle’s were  staring daggers into Titi  

I should have asked him to marry me, is that what you're saying to me Titi, I should get on my two knees and ask a man to marry me?  So that he'll now start carrying shoulders, talking to me anyhow. “Mba ooooh, I no fit.”

Thunder fire marriage

It might seem like she's overreacting but is she? 

A lot of indoctrination takes place from childhood through adulthood. While some of us have re-educated and indoctrinated ourselves afresh, many more are still operating with the same teachings from their childhood. 

So how do we expect a woman who has been taught from birth to outsource her independence to the nearest male figure in her life, to view herself as second to men,  to suddenly have the agency to ask a question albeit informally that plagues her which she seeks an answer?

Or urge men to see women as equals when they've been told their whole lives that they were born to lead. Any emotion that is not anger, or laughter is classified as feminine, and men are greatly discouraged from being feminine. They have been conditioned to wield power and control over women. It starts with the small and soothing talks they get from a young age when they have been hurt or bested by a girl. “How will you allow a girl to come first” “You’re the man of the house”. Even when his mother and elder sisters are present, he's exalted above them, and responsibilities bestowed on him that he's too young to handle. How can a boy like this grow up into a man who is willing to accept a marriage proposal from a woman? 

Let's have that conversation

 

This is Nigeria where your desirability relies heavily on how the men perceive you. Every man has his wife material standards. These are the standards he has picked from his desires, his mother’s behaviour, friends, and uncles. Don't forget movies too. Now women are giving bone-wrenching performances and in some cases, overextending themselves to fit in and meet their standards. 

This is Nigeria where mothers struggle to make ends meet for their children with or without a husband. And the children grow and come online to say “women bring nothing to the table.” Let's not act like we don't see you the vitriol leveled against single mothers offline and online.

If a woman decides to go against the gender norms, there is enough unsolicited advice to wear you out. We've all seen how women react to those videos of women proposing to their significant others. Very colourful language is used to describe how they'll rather die than propose to a man. And we have all heard and seen how men treat women who “shoot their shot.” Good luck to all involved.

SHOULD WOMEN PROPOSE TO MEN?

When we digest this article to the very end, let the resounding advice not be “women should do better” Because that will make all of us liars. How do you ignore the years of indoctrination? The fear of rejection? The yearning for companionship and community? And the quest for the social mobility and identity that being a wife accords you.

It's not like the indoctrination stops at some point. The church is still a breeding ground for most of the women's subjugation gospel we listen to.

Rather, the advice should be for all of us to hold ourselves accountable for our personal and individual contributions to upholding outdated belief systems that serve no purpose in the 21st century.

Would you be kind with your words and actions if you found out that your parents want to separate after many long years together? That young lady who shot her shot with you, that you talk down on and treat differently because she made the first move…? Are you the friend who makes jest of another because she sleeps with men for free, so you label her jew girl and wait impatiently for the day she'll “shine her eyes?" Or are you the guy who calls his friend simp and woman wrapper because he provides for his woman? 

We can not ignore all these and carry placards that suggest women should boldly propose to men. Because if they do, are we going to suddenly remind them to know their place?

So as much as we will want to dictate who should and shouldn’t do better. Let's remember to look inward and remove those logs of wood from our eyes before volunteering to help out with the specks in another’s eyes.